


I know you'll be looking down, swear I'm gonna make you proud, I'll be living one life for the two of us

by SilverShadow1



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by 13 Reasons Why (TV), Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Monet's (13 Reasons Why (TV)), Post-Season/Series 04, The OC is Charlie's father because they never gave him a name but I did, chalex - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:26:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24939781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverShadow1/pseuds/SilverShadow1
Summary: “You think you know me so fucking well. You don’t, Alex. You don’t know this part of me! You can’t!”“Why? Because I can’t understand? I know that I’m fortunate to have both of my parents, Charles, but I’ve felt loss and -”“NOT LIKE THIS!"ORIt’s the anniversary of Charlie’s mother’s death. It’s also the first time that Alex witnesses him as anything other than confident.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Comments: 12
Kudos: 97





	I know you'll be looking down, swear I'm gonna make you proud, I'll be living one life for the two of us

**Author's Note:**

> I really loved writing this one. I had the general idea for it, but it sort of wrote itself as I kept going with it. I hope you love it, too.
> 
> Note: I would never pretend to be a leading figure on loss or how people deal with it, and I count myself fortunate to never have experienced such trauma. That said, I would also never suppose this encompasses how all children grieve the loss of parent. It's simply my interpretation of the character we know and grief I have heard others express about similar losses.
> 
> Title: "Two Of Us" by Louis Tomlinson - (I thought it was the perfect fit for the story and highly recommend listening to it)

Confident.

That was the word Alex used to describe Charlie when he tried to explain to the younger boy why they wouldn’t work together. Charlie was confident, easily likeable, outgoing - basically everything Alex wasn’t, or at least so he thought of himself.

Confident is the big one, though. It’s what makes them so diametrically opposed on just about everything. It’s how Charlie even described himself when he told Alex that he knew they were right for each other.

Alex had to admit, Charlie was right about that one.

However, it was that reliable, ever-present quality that made Alex so unnerved the first time that he witnessed the quarterback not exuding his typical levels of confidence. Call it a “fall from Grace” or “glass shattering” moment, if you will.

Or maybe it was just a humanizing moment. Alex preferred the last one - it made him feel less shallow for being caught so off guard.

***

It was a Saturday.

June was nearly ending and Alex wore a dress shirt and slacks. He knew that he was probably over-doing it and to be honest, he hated wearing these clothes. It reminded him of the countless sad occasions when he was forced to wear formal attire.

It was necessary, though. A way to show support to his boyfriend who constantly supported him. Even if they had a particularly nasty argument the night before.

Alex sighed, looking at their usual, unoccupied couch in Monet’s.

_ -Flashback- _

_ “I’m serious, Alex. You don’t need to come,” said Charlie. “It’s the one Saturday where you can sleep in for a change.” _

_ “Okay, first,” said Alex, “I can’t sleep without you, you know that. More importantly, though, how can you think I could or would choose to stay in bed tomorrow? We’re partners, Charles. The basis of our relationship is built on supporting each other through the tough moments.” _

_ “I don’t … want you to see me like that,” said Charlie through clenched teeth. The younger boy looked out the window of Monet’s to the street. _

_ “See you like what?” _

_ “It’s just not worth it, okay?” he snapped. “Going to visit her on this day was always … I’m used to going alone. Dad and I went the first year, and then he started having ‘work conflicts.’ It was too hard for him. He’s agreed to come this year and I need to be there for him.” _

_ “And you will be,” said Alex, covering Charlie’s hand with his own. The other boy flinched and yanked his hand away, making Alex’s chest ache. “I can stand a ways back if you’d prefer or wait in the car. I’d never want to intrude on your time with her, but if I thought for one moment that this is what it was about -” _

_ “You think you know me so fucking well,” hissed Charlie, standing up abruptly. The sudden movement startled Alex, who looked up at him in alarm. “You don’t, Alex. You don’t know this part of me! You can’t!” _

_ “Why?” cried Alex, standing up as well. For once, he didn’t care that they were probably the center of attention, the side-show that was more interesting to the patrons than the mediocre artwork hanging on the walls. “Because I can’t understand? I know that I’m fortunate to have both of my parents, Charles, but I’ve felt loss and -” _

_ “NOT LIKE THIS!” shouted Charlie. He exhaled and then lowered his voice again. “Not … like this. I’m supposed to be the confident one, Alex. You said so yourself. What’s more, I  _ like _ that I’m confident, and maybe I’m that way because I’ve had to be at times, but when you lose a parent … the person who gave birth to you, who raised you, who loved you unconditionally … it’s fucking terrifying.” Tears fell down his cheeks now and Alex wanted nothing more than to wipe them, but he was rooted to the spot out of fear that Charlie would push him away further. “The whole world is suddenly the most fucking terrifying place because just like that,” Charlie snapped his fingers, “your life has ended. Suddenly you have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and find sense in anything again.” _

_ Before Alex could respond, Charlie’s phone rang meaning his father was outside waiting for him. Charlie began moving to the door, but not before Alex called out to him. _

_ “You don’t always have to be the confident one.” _

_ Charlie just shook his head. For a moment, Alex thought that he was going to keep walking and not respond. So, Alex felt his heart break that extra bit when he barely heard Charlie whisper: _

_ “It’s the only way I know how to deal with it all.” _

_ -End Flashback- _

“That’ll be $12.75.”

Alex was broken out of his reverie and immediately handed his money to the cashier. Thanking the kid, he took the tray of coffees and left the shop.

***

The sun was beating down on him less than 15 minutes later, but it was hardly the cause of Alex sweating under his collar.

“Alex,” said Henry St. George, Charlie’s father, in surprise. Charlie whipped around. “I didn’t … I’m surprised to see you.”

“Yes, sir,” said Alex. “I’m sorry, I don’t intend to intrude. I just wanted to pay my respects and … I know Charlie mentioned you’re a coffee drinker. That it’s how you and Mrs. St. George met.”

“I, uh …” Alex continued, stammering slightly under the gaze of both men. “I brought you all some. For the three of you.”

For the life of him, Alex couldn’t determine whether he made the right choice or the most foolish mistake of his life - and he’s made many foolish mistakes - because the expressions on Charlie and his father’s faces were unreadable. Then, Mr. St. George smiled widely and blinked several times.

“Thank you, Alex,” he said, warmly. “My wife loved Monet’s coffee.” He then took the two proffered cups and turned back to the headstone. Only one remained in the tray and Alex looked apprehensively at Charlie.

“I’ll just … uh. I can leave it here and we can talk la -”

“Please stay,” was all Charlie said. Alex felt his eyes sting at the brokenness of the other boy’s voice. “If you’re able to, that is. I’d really like it if you stayed.”

Alex nodded.

“Of course, I will.”

***

“She would have loved you,” said Charlie.

The two of them sat on the grass in front of his mother’s plot, alone. Charlie’s father left some time ago to pick up lunch and bring it home after inviting Alex to join them and reassuring the boy that he wasn’t intruding.

“I’m certain the feeling would be mutual,” said Alex, softly. “She was part of raising you, after all. I owe my happiness to her.”

Charlie looked down and suddenly, Alex could feel the boy shaking beside him and took him into his arms. The two sat there in a tight embrace, Charlie’s sobs punctuating the otherwise silent, beautifully sunny day.

“I’m here,” said Alex, whispering the words into Charlie’s hair.

Alex wished he could offer more comforting words, but everything else seemed trite. The whole ‘you’ll be fine’ and ‘she’s there watching over you’ … they were true to certain degrees, but the truth of it was, he likely would never be “fine” and she should be watching him there every day - during his football games, his prom, his high school and college graduations, walking down the aisle one day. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair, and Alex knew pretending like the pain was okay as a comforting method from someone who never experienced such a loss wasn’t fair.

So, he held Charlie. He held him tight and gently stroked his hair, occasionally pressing soft kisses to the top of his head. Eventually, as they always did, the tears subsided and Charlie shuddered out a long breath before looking at Alex with glassy eyes.

“This … is why I didn’t want you to see me today,” Charlie admitted. “I have bad days randomly, but this day is always the worst.”

“I want to be confident and strong, but the truth is … I’m scared as hell and I’m  _ sad _ ,” Charlie continued. “Scared that with each passing year, all of my memories of how she laughed, the way she smiled, how she would dance in the kitchen on Sunday mornings … they’ll all fade. Ever since we lost her, I’m terrified I’ll forget those little details.”

“What is it?” Alex asked after a moment. Charlie looked as though he was holding back saying more. The boy just squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, before opening them again.

“There’s this huge piece of me that she’ll never get to know. The man that I am today, or the man that I’ll become. I’ll never be able to fully share my life with her and it hit me …” Charlie shook his head again, looking away.

Suddenly, Alex understood what he meant.

“You didn’t want me to meet her this way.” It wasn’t a question.

“I’m not kidding when I say that she would have  _ adored _ you,” said Charlie. “Besides it being impossible not to adore you, you’re just, the kindest, most loving person I know. God, Alex. I thought my dad was going to cry when you brought the coffee earlier. Not in a bad way,” he hastened to add, “but like … I can’t believe you remembered that about them, but also I can absolutely believe it because it’s so  _ you _ . I know I’m rambling and … yeah, I suppose I’ve lost whatever train of thought I had.” Charlie let out a slight chuckle, and Alex kissed his knuckles.

“I wish I could have met her in person, too,” said Alex. “And for the record, I’ll always think you’re strong even on the bad days. I want to be there for you on those days the way you’re always there for me.”

“Maybe you can use me as a way to keep your memories of her fresh,” he continued, cautiously. “You can share with me things about her. When you want to, of course. I know it’s not the same as hearing her laugh, but it might stir up other memories that you don’t think about as often and make you feel closer to her.”

Alex stared anxiously at Charlie, unsure if he overstepped based on the other boy’s silence. He was taken aback, then, when Charlie kissed him sweetly on the lips. The kiss lasted for only a brief moment, but it was full of love and a deep appreciation for the other one beside them.

“I love you,” whispered Charlie, stroking Alex’s cheek with his thumb. “So much. I’m so glad you came today and I’m sorry for trying to push you away last night. You make me strong.”

Alex shook his head.

“You’re already the strongest person I know. We make each other  _ stronger _ .”

**Author's Note:**

> As always, your comments and kudos are so appreciated! I wanted to thank you all for your support on my other recent stories! It's years since I've branched out of my traditional fandoms, but I feel increasingly comfortable writing Chalex and I have many more story ideas for the future.
> 
> That said, I'm also glad to consider any prompts, so feel free to comment things you would like me to write!


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